Am not going
by Inscribe-sin
Summary: A Muggle-born opposed to going to Hogwarts mixed with a hassled McGonagall, a dash of a pissed-off Snape and two clueless parents. My attempt in humor/parody


Disclaimer: Anything related to the Harry Potter franchise is copyrighted and owned by J.K Rowling. As much I dream of owning it, I sadly don't. I am just borrowing the characters to play out this story. As well as I do not own anything related to Tropic Thunder.

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**Am not going**

**Summary: **A Muggle-born opposed to going to Hogwarts mixed with a hassled McGonagall, a dash of a pissed-off Snape and two clueless parents. My attempt in humor/parody

"Speech"

'Thoughts'

_Without further adieu, I bid you Dear Reader a welcome to my made up world._

_Inscribe-sin,_

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"Am not going"

"Are you sure honey"

I nod my head, arms crossed while I stared intently at the two figures sitting in our living room.

"Well if my little pumpkin doesn't want to go, I don't see a reason to force her" Dad said puffing on his old pipe.

Mum hummed in agreement "and she so set her heart into going to Pembury"

I nodded my head again in confirmation.

"B..But Madame, this is highly irregular" stuttered the old lady "Your daughter is a witch a Muggle schooling is not appropriate. Think of the consequences"

"Hummm more crumpets Professor McGonagall" my mother offered, raising a plate of crumpets "fresh out of the oven"

'God I love my mother's selective hearing' I grinned cheeky

"Very scrumptious I might say; would you care to try one Professor Snape" my dad offered as he munched idly on one the crumpets.

Professor Snape looked like he would rather drink poison.

Professor McGonagall sensing that she might not get anything from the parents turned to the child in question.

"Dear" she said" Why are so hesitant in joining our school?"

"I think the word is pigheaded Minerva" muttered Snape

Ignoring him, she tried to reason with the girl again.

"Child you need a magical education, if not our school then the others"

"Box –a–Baton Academy seems so nice, just look at the clothes" my mother added peering into the leaflet "and they are French too" smiling at me.

"Voulez vous Coucher Avec Moi..and what not" my father added waving his pipe around

"Am not going" I replied firmly, not budging

"But Child…"

"More tea Professor Snape" my mother asked a sickening sweet smile on her face

"No Thank you" grounded out Snape

"How about a crumpet, they are very scrumptious" added my dad, munching on his fifth one.

"No…Thank…you" Snape shot me a glare of hatred, blaming me for all of his misery.

'Hey don't look at me…it's all your fault and your stupid damn school' I glared back

"But Child..." nagged Professor McGonagall border-lining pleading.

"AM not going" I hissed back at her

"More tea Professor Snape"

"FOR the Fifth time NO" snapped Snape

"Oh dear" gasped Mum

"Hum…you seem a bit stressed Professor...Ah I bet it's your thyroids acting up… its always is I am afraid, with mood swings like that… I remember Aunt Betsy had it. She had mood swings more than a pregnant woman with triplets" Father added.

"Oh Dear yes, Poor Aunt Betsy - God rest her soul - " Mother added.

Nodding my father continued "What helped good ol Aunt Betsy was good cuppa, might help you too Professor…isn't that right dear"

"Oh your right Dear" my Mother beamed "More tea Professor?"

Professor Snape's face darkened as he tried to restrain his hands from reaching to his wand and cursing the two grinning fouls in front of him.

"But Child…Why?" pleaded Minerva

"OK THIS IT!! I LISTEN HERE LADY!!"

"Mary Anne Regna Sally Leschke Sun-Burst !*bela Bob, we didn't raise a rude girl" scolded my mother.

"Well… I called her lady" I muttered feeling so reprimanded.

"Alright dear now calm yourself and relax…don't forget to relax the face you don't want worry lines so early…alright then do continue"

Sighing I turned back towards the two Professors.

"Hogwarts has nothing to offer me" I stated

"But.."

I raised my hand begin all authoritative in my whole 11 year old self.

"I want to be a Fashion designer when I grow up! Hogwarts has no art classes!!" I ranted

"I thought she wanted to be a Doctor" father whispered to my mother

"That was last week" she answered, while knitting away, clearly enjoying the show

"So not the point" glaring back at my parents

"We can give you the basic transfiguration points to help…." Interrupted Minerva

"And what!! Change a turtle into a tea-cozy, that's so not Vogue"

Professor McGonagall pressed her lips in displeasure

"And who still writes on parchment!! Word Document people, computers, internet, Laser jet printers!! Ring any bells, it doesn't does it…..it would have if SOMEONE wasn't still stuck in Dark AGES!!" I ranted waving my hands around dramatically

"Hum I must I agree dear they seem a bit outdated" my mother pondered to my father

My father hummed in agreement.

"Not to mention every single thing that will probably rot me to the core and turn my brain to mush…TV, Video Games, MOVIES, Music, Junk Food ….you don't even have electricity!! OH GOD no electric Hair Removers!! ..Now that's just disgusting" I ended my tirade by flopping dramatically on the settee.

They two Professors just started at my prostrated body.

"Those do seem as major issues …Hygiene and all" my father interjected the silence.

"Oh yes Dear, very serious" my mother added before lifting the teapot "More tea Professor Snape"

"THAT'S IT!!" Shouted Snape jumping to his feet "We ARE leaving!!"

Turning to glare at my prostrate self he hissed

"You PEOPLE are the most intolerable begins I had the misfortunate of meeting. I WISH your spawn blasts you all with her backlash of Magic!!"

I jumped up from the settee pointing an accusing finger at Snape  
"Who are you calling YOU people!!"

"Oh Dear" My father muttered puffing out a cloud of smoke.

"Oh My…Oh Professor Snape, please do take some more tea with you" my mother offered before turning to my dad "He really seems to like our tea doesn't he Dear"

Howling in frustration, Snape apparated out of the house, followed by a hassled Minerva without even by-your-leave.

"Hum very rude of them to leave that quick" harrumphed my Father

"Oh yes, Professor McGonagall seems to be not nice at all, I am glad we are not sending Pumpkin there, although Professor Snape is such a polite gentleman."

"You are right my Dear, a jolly fellow if I have ever seen one….Shame he works in such a place as…what was it again Porkwarts?"

"Pigwarts Dear…I think I should invite him to tea…he would love that wouldn't he Dear?" my mother asked excitedly  
My father nodded before turning to me.  
"Now Pumpkin we had a lot of excitement today, why don't you go rest a bit Poppet?"

"Will do Dad, but I gotta read this first" I said waving a bright yellow book at him

Puffing his chest in pride "That's my girl" he said before patting me on the head and heading towards the kitchen in search of more crumpets.

Mum gave me a kiss before following my dad to make extra tea.

There I laid all snuggled in the settee, while I read on:

Muggle-born Domination of the Wizarding world for Dummies :

Muggle-Born Wizard Witch (check)

Do Not Confirm (Double Check)

Capping my pen I smiled as I stared out of the window…. So many worlds to conquer, so little time.

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**Inscribe-sin:** The !*bela…is not a typo it's a name with a click in it (See Russell Peters )  
As always your reviews are appreciated.


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